As a seasoned (and I mean seasoned) user of dating apps, I would say I have comfortably swiped past the equivalent of the entire population of London whilst seeking true and everlasting love.
This has not resulted in everlasting love. What it has resulted in, is an ability to identify the exact type of person I’d be dealing with, with just a split second to look at a profile before my thumb continues it’s constant rotation and swipes them on by. With wisdom like this, it’s only fair to share- right?
Collated from years of using: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn, Once, and insta DMs. Unfortunately (for me) I only date men so soz if this isn’t relevant but also I don’t care
- All of their photos are taken at the gym
- Their photos seem to have been taken with some form of camera from 2003
- They pull that annoying squinty face in all their pictures
- Their main photo is of them topless
- They have a picture that shows far too much of their torso to not be classified as technically genitals
- They have one of those weirdly passive aggressive bios that’s like “don’t be boring, don’t make your first message hi, have a personality” like okay we get it you hate women
- They have loads of pictures with other girls and they’re like “dw just friiiiiends”
- They use a winky emoji at any point in their bio
- Their bio has been recycled from the internet because they actually don’t have a personality but want to SEEM like they do
- It takes them ages of chatting to set up a meeting, but like SEVERAL WEEKS before it’s even mentioned
- They immediately ask to meet up after like 14 seconds of messaging
- They make any reference to the amount of money they earn
- Trying REALLY hard to turn the conversation sexual when you’re just talking about your pets or your childhood hobbies or something
- When they get your and you’re confused as if every single person in the world hasn’t seen the Friends ep where Ross yells the difference at Rachel
- Long bouts of silence
- CONSTANT messages
- They judge you for your taste in music or they list all their favourite bands as if that’s a substitute for actually being interesting
- They ask questions that make you feel as if they might actually be looking to steal your identity
- They use… loads of… ellipses…
- They respond with one word answers and then get upset when you don’t reply
- They use more than three exclamation marks in a single message. Okay Gareth, nothing is that exciting
- Management consultants
- Referencing Jesus in their bio, like religion is cool and all but this dude is 100% gonna get you barefoot and pregnant within the year
- They try to do a subtle neg as if you haven’t been raised around the internet and don’t know they’re just trying to knock your confidence so you’ll lower your standards enough to bone them
- All of their photos are group photos of very similar looking people (hint, it’s normally the worst looking in the photo, you’re welcome)
- None of their photos are with anyone else
- White rimmed sunglasses
Now, go forth, be free, swipe, and meet the love of your life. If it can’t happen for me, at least it can happen to somebody else.
Update: August 2019 – having been accused of having some ‘slightly unbalanced’ opinions, a friend who wishes to stay anonymous has written their own dating app red flags from the perspective of a lad- bearing in mind this is all tongue-in-cheek, who do you agree with more?
So, I saw an article on this site last week written by a friend of mine about “dating app red flags” for women, and thought well fuck me, let’s do one for men about how impossible it is to fulfil the absurd criteria set out by the fairer sex these days.
Obviously there’s a few things you need to know before using Bumble, Tinder, Hinge etc as a modern bloke, and as a general rule of thumb if you’re not a gin drinking aficionado with broad shoulders who stands at 7ft tall and works at Battersea Dogs Home in his spare time, then please, get a grip of your pathetic self because the women of the world are simply not interested.
However, if you are (not unlike myself) a herculean, dog loving specimen of a man, don’t think you’re good to go with the next set of platinum blonde twins you encounter because there are, quite frankly, a shitload more ridiculous things women look for in a man in the world of modern, online dating. Below are a few things you need to either have, deal with, do or not do.
- Don’t take yourself too seriously. No-one knows what this really means, are you a man or full-time Live at the Apollo?
- Have big hands. Heaven forbid you put something similar on your profile about them being petite; you misogynistic pig.
- Be assertive, but not too assertive. Good luck.
- Have the fucking travel bug.
- Be funny on demand, permanently.
- Know what you want in life.
- Not into hook-ups.
- Don’t get too serious too soon it’s just a bit of fun you weirdo (See previous bullet point for a real dating paradox)
- Reply too quickly. Actually acting interested what are you some sort of creep?
- Reply too slowly.
- Reply with one-word answers despite receiving one-word replies.
- Reply with paragraphs in a desperate attempt to spark some sort of conversation only to be met with “haha Xx”
- Have an exceptional physique but don’t spend lots of time working on it because hangover duvet days etc
- Turn water into wine.
- Have a constant stream of entertaining conversation ready despite them being dull as dishwater.
- Something Netflix / Wine / Hiking / Pizza / Skiing related in any order.
MAJOR RED FLAGS – If you see these fucking run mate.
- “My friends say I’m crazy” usually means they are earth-shatteringly boring.
- “Fluent in sarcasm so if you aren’t don’t bother” they have absolutely no idea what sarcasm is.
- “I want to be treated like a princess” shortly followed by that fucking Marilyn Monroe quote. No explanation needed.
Obviously the above is impossible to fulfil for anyone except the human version of a Ken Doll, luckily most women overlook some of these and accept us in all our flawed glory.
It was a lot easier in our grandparent’s day eh?